


Instruments of Balance

by love_killed_the_superstar



Series: Femslash February 2016 [2]
Category: W.I.T.C.H.
Genre: C.H.Y.K.N., F/F, Flashbacks, Heteronormativity, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, past guardians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 20:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6023022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_killed_the_superstar/pseuds/love_killed_the_superstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You have no idea what she meant to me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Instruments of Balance

**Author's Note:**

> Just in time for Femslash February!!
> 
> I took inspiration both from Nerissa's infamous 'you have no idea what she meant to me' line from K is for Knowledge, and Cassidy explaining to Will that her and Nerissa are 'instruments of balance' in issue 21 of the comics. This was kind of a fusion of both the cartoon and the comics (since I'm a little more familiar with the cartoon, but like the characterisations of the former guardians in the comics). It's based around M is for Mercy, when Nerissa takes Cassidy out of her grave to explore Heatherfield again.
> 
> Also, this piece was inspired by the 1964 Dionne Warwick song 'Walk On By', since we can determine it would have been released during the time C.H.Y.K.N. were reigning guardians, and it feels authentic, I guess.

“Do you think two girls can go steady?” Cassidy asked one afternoon, and Nerissa stopped adding with her fingers to stare at her best friend, sitting across from her with an innocent expression.

“Why would you ask that? It's weird,” replied Nerissa, wrinkling her nose. “Girls don't do that with each other, Cassidy. It's like... a romantic thing, you know?”

“That's my point. My neighbours are homosexuals.” Cassidy closed her math book, passing it across for Nerissa to copy from. “They don't tell anybody, they just live quietly like a husband and wife, except they're both men. Mom says they're homosexuals, so they do what men and women do. I just... wondered if girls could do it too?”

“Are you a queer, Cassidy?” Nerissa asked bluntly. Cassidy blushed and glanced down at the table.

“No, of course not!”

“Then why do you care?”

Cassidy hummed uncertainly. After gouging Nerissa's reaction, Cassidy figured it probably wouldn't do any good to mention that she had seen their friends and fellow guardians Kadma and Halinor doing something she'd never seen two girls doing before.

They'd both stayed behind after school and told Cassidy not to wait around for them after her swim practice; of course, she did it anyway because she'd forgotten to give back a skirt she'd borrowed from Halinor to go to her cousin's christening, and figured now would be the ideal time. As it would turn out, it was the least ideal time she could have picked after catching Kadma and Halinor kissing (in public! If an empty classroom could be considered public). It was lip on lip action, like when she'd kissed that lifeguard, Ted, or when that junior Jacob Penn had kissed Yanny at the junior prom.

Frankly, it had surprised Cassidy; not only because of the fact that it was Kadma and Halinor kissing, two of her best friends, her fellow guardians, polar opposites on the team, and the fact that they were _both girls_ , but the fact that after witnessing their intimacy it suddenly dawned on young Cassidy that she'd never seen either of them flirting with a boy, never seen them talk about boys or accept a date (not that Kadma had ever been asked, and Halinor always used her promise ring and the fact that her parents were extremely devout Catholics as an excuse). Just how long had they been at it, anyway? She supposed the normal reaction would be to show absolute disgust and horror, but she found she just couldn't do it. At the end of the day, Kadma and Halinor were her friends, homosexuals or not, and if it really had been going on for as long as she suspected then that was just the proof she needed that it wasn't contagious, right?

“I don't,” Cassidy said finally. “Honest, I don't. I was just asking.”

“Well, don't.” Nerissa flicked open Cassidy's math book and began copying down the answers, knowing her friend wouldn't mind. “People are gonna think you're a homosexual too if you keep asking about them. It's better to keep your mouth shut.”

“Is it really that bad though?” Cassidy lay back and stared at the pale blue ceiling of her bedroom. “I mean, if someone you really cared about was a queer, would that matter? They'd still be the same person they were before, right?”

“Stop asking questions. Queers aren't right in the head.”

“Well, why? Why is it so bad? It's none of our business what they do.”

“Why?” Nerissa frowned. That was... a good question, actually. Why, indeed? Surely Halinor would know; her parents once picketed a homosexual's funeral when they were on vacation in Alabama. “Well, they...”

“...are human beings, just like us,” Cassidy finished resolutely. “People look at Yanny and Kadma weird because they're not white like us, and they think it's weird that we're always hanging around with them when they're Asian. But we don't care, do we?”

“Of course not! They're our friends,” Nerissa said crossly.

“Isn't this the same, then? Why should things like that _matter_ in the first place?”

Nerissa's brow furrowed, and she shot Cassidy a stern look.

“If you have something to say, say it. If you have somebody to out, out them.”

“You're no fun,” groaned Cassidy. “I'm just trying to be metaphorical. Halinor's always talking about how hippies are all about peace and love in all forms. I'm trying to figure out if homosexuals fall under that category.”

“What's the point?” sighed Nerissa, also leaning back. “The hippie movement will be over in a few years. You know Halinor's only into that junk to get back at her parents.”

“I think she really believes in it,” insisted Cassidy. “For real. I mean, I can't say that for sure, but-”

“So you're saying _Halinor's_ a queer now?” Nerissa frowned again. “You're so weird, Cass.”

“You're the only one who's said that,” Cassidy pointed out. “ _I_ just said she was into the hippie thing for real.”

“Let's drop this. I need to get to my flute practice soon. Mind if I borrow your book?”

“Just don't leave it at home again like you did last time?” pleaded Cassidy, standing up. “It's not cool having to stand up there and get yelled at by Mr Puck for not having it with me. He threw the board eraser at my head, I was washing out chalk for weeks!”

“I promise,” Nerissa said in an entirely unconvincing tone. “No need to wig out. See you around, Cassidy.”  
  


…

 

“You know, Rissy, you never did keep your promises,” Cassidy sighed as she floated across the cliff headlands and into the sky. “You promised to give back my math book that one time and then lost it, I had to write everything up all over again! And then you promised not to go all AWOL on us during that solo mission and you did, and you promised the Oracle you'd keep in line, and you didn't. Oh, you also promised me no hard feelings for the whole me-getting-the-heart thing. Which was totally not my choice by the way, Oracle's orders and all that. But then you pushed me off a cliff, so.”

“It was not my intention to play such a crucial role in your fate,” Nerissa countered. “If you had just given me the heart...”

“What, you would have actually let me live? After all I'd put you through?” Cassidy guffawed. “I doubt it, Nerissa. You already wanted me gone. Being dead means you know things that living creatures can't possibly understand. You and I, we were destined to play these roles. That might hurt to hear, because I know there was a time when you wanted to be the hero. But I was born to die young, and you were born to kill me. So whether you can fathom this or not, it was your destiny to 'play that role', as you keep delicately putting it.”

Nerissa, for once, said nothing in reply, and Cassidy considered it a small victory. Nerissa was the opposite side of her coin, their fates so heinously entwined. Much like Halinor and Kadma's, albeit in a very different way. Or perhaps not as differently as they liked to kid themselves.

“So I assume,” Cassidy said at last, “you've already spoken to the others recently, since you've decided to consult me on whatever seems to be bothering you.”

“I haven't reached Kadma yet,” Nerissa admitted. “But I have spoken to the other two fools.”

“You mean Kadma and Halinor aren't together? What happened?”

Cassidy was eager for the gossip now.

“The fools must have realised that being that way inclined did nobody favours, including themselves,” Nerissa said.

“You're just being contrary,” Cassidy said frankly, spinning around in the air. “Kadma and Halinor were the real deal, you know that. You're just bitter because of what happened to us, and you know it.”

“I have a son,” Nerissa said, and Cassidy froze.

“...Well, good for you. Meanwhile, I, a ghost, have no way of ever having children,” Cassidy said, and Nerissa could sense the bitterness in her voice.

“Ah, but you could have, if you just chose to live,” she reminded her, a sickeningly patronising smile on her face. “I could give you that opportunity back, you know.”

Cassidy shook her head, still not looking at Nerissa.

“No, I don't want it. Maybe this will surprise you, Rissy, but what happened to the two of us changed me. That makes me a queer too, but I don't care. And I have no interest in having children of my own.”

“Then perhaps a visit to your favourite paediatrician ward will remind you of your compassion for living things.”

With a crackle of light, they were gone.

 

…

 

“Maybe going with a girl wouldn't be so bad,” Cassidy mused aloud, this time earning the confused stares of their entire team.

“Not this again,” groaned Nerissa, while Kadma and Halinor exchanged uneasy looks and Yan Lin simply looked puzzled.

“Why do you want to go to prom with a girl?” Yan Lin asked. “This isn't an all girls school, wouldn't you prefer to go with a boy rather than a friend?”

“I'm not talking about prom,” Cassidy said, rolling her eyes. “I mean, _going_ with a girl. You know, going steady?”

“Uh, Earth to Cassidy, stop promoting the homosexual agenda during our study sessions, it's weird,” Nerissa said, kicking her under the table. It was raining heavily outside, meaning the library staff weren't listening out for students talking over the loud din of the rainfall.

“Ouch! I'm just saying,” muttered Cassidy. She sent pointed looks towards Kadma and Halinor, who were both staring at their books in an attempt to ignore Cassidy. “What do you guys think?”

“Us?” Kadma glanced over at the faces watching her intently. “W-Well, uh...”

“I don't think it's so bad,” Halinor interrupted, a serene smile on her face. “The whole point of the movement is to _love_ who you want, to _live_ how you want. So I don't really care about whether somebody would like to go with a girl, so to speak.”

“Hippie-ism is weird,” snorted Nerissa. “At the end of the day, homosexuals are still homosexuals, whether they're part of your movement or not.”

“So?” Halinor countered. “They're part of the movement. That's the important part.”

“Can we just stop talking about this?” Kadma snapped, and all eyes turned to her. She glanced over at Halinor, strong meaning pouring into that singular look, before scowling down at her book. “It's gross, you know?”

Halinor didn't say a word to Kadma for the rest of the afternoon.

 

…

 

“Gross was how she put it,” Cassidy laughed. They stood in the library, stagnant with the musk of old books and gathered dust. “Meanwhile, they were making out behind everyone's backs. How did you and Yanny never see it?”

“They weren't like the others,” insisted Nerissa. “Not on the outside, anyway.”

“And what do you mean by that? You mean just because they weren't going out on gay bar crawls or wearing boy's clothing, they weren't still lesbians?”

“They weren't like the others,” Nerissa repeated, frustrated. “They were like... _normal_ girls. I don't understand why they had to be like that.”

“They didn't have a choice, Rissy,” Cassidy sighed. “You don't choose who you love. You just... love them. Surely _you_ of all people can understand that?”

“I killed you, Cassidy,” Nerissa snapped. “Remember that night? On Mount Thanos? I lured you up under the pretence we would talk, guardian to guardian, friend to friend, and instead-”

“I'd rather not talk about that night, you know?” Cassidy interrupted, squeezing her eyes shut. She took a few deep breaths, though it was physically impossible for her to get sick. “I'd rather talk about the before, not the after. Remember when Alvin Haberkorn stood me up for our senior prom? We found out our dates had caught a ride over to the community college in Fadden Hills, to fuck some college girls. We both cried at being stood up, and we watched the stars. You remember what you said to me then, don't you?”

 

…

 

“Maybe being queer wouldn't be so bad,” Nerissa muttered into the darkness. Cassidy turned to stare at her best friend, who in turn was staring up at the stars.

“What are _you_ saying? That's certainly new.”

“All boys do is enjoy breaking hearts. All they want to do is screw us and when they can't do that, they leave us for college girls. At least queers are too scared to leave each other, few in number as they are.”

“Yeah, I don't really think it works that way,” sighed Cassidy. “But I see your point. If love is strong enough that it can overcome gender...” She turned to Nerissa. “Look, I'm not saying I'm like that, but – you – you know you always have _me,_ right?”

Nerissa leaned forward and Cassidy was knocked into a kiss that was neither romantic nor unwelcome. It lasted barely longer than a few seconds, and Nerissa drew back all too soon. She looked away immediately.

“Sorry. I just wanted to know...” She didn't elaborate any further.

“It's okay. Just... wow. I didn't, y'know, see that one coming.”

Nerissa pulled her knees up to her, uncaring as her dress crumpled around her. She hid her face in her knees, supposedly embarrassed. Cassidy couldn't help but wonder if this was how Kadma and Halinor had felt the firs time they had... or if it had come naturally, and this feeling meant there really wasn't anything there.

“I don't know what this means,” Cassidy piped up nervously, unable to bear the tension the silence between them brought forth, “but I... I don't think I mind one way or the other.”

Nerissa hummed.

“Um. Me too...”

“W-Well, it means we don't have to worry... you know, about... being queer. If we didn't feel anything, maybe that was for the best?”

Or maybe that was their own version of love.

“You're always going on about that, Cass,” Nerissa groaned. “Like it matters. Why can't it just be what it is?”

Cassidy shrugged.

“Okay, if you want it to be like that... it can be.”

 

…

 

“It was a moment of weakness for both of us,” Nerissa said simply, a seething tone in her voice. “You know that. And the end came soon after, anyway.”

“Hey, I know what I saw. I was there,” Cassidy shot back. “Maybe it was a moment of weakness, but so what? Doesn't make it any less real.” She sighed, staring longingly out of the window, just beyond. The track field they had sat on that night was just visible. “Things were so much simpler back when school dances _mattered_... before everything went bad.”

“If you just give in, maybe they can matter to you again. You can live out the rest of your life as you were supposed to.”

That crap again, huh?

“Listen, Nerissa.” Cassidy's tone was firm. “Like I told you – we were born to hate each other, even if, for a short while, we loved each other. I was born to die a virgin, you were born to kill me. Nothing can change that, all right? Not your feelings, not mine. We are – how should I put it...? Instruments of balance. You're evil, I'm good, we balance one another out. The yin and yang of Kandrakar. Digging up old feelings won't change my mind, okay, I'm sealed in my decision. So please just send me back.”

“There's one more place, Cassidy. One more place we haven't gone.”

Cassidy's eyes widened.

“You wouldn't.”

“I'm sure your mother would be happy to have me back after such a long time, yes?”

In a thunderclap, they were gone.

 

…

 

The first thing Nerissa did when she had escaped from Mount Thanos was visit Emily Walters. The woman was like a second mother to her at one point – her and Cassidy had known each other since childhood, circa 1950, and Emily and Cassidy were a close mother-daughter duo. It only felt right to pay her respects, even if she no longer had it in her to feel remorseful for Cassidy's death.

In all the years she had been incubating in Mount Thanos, Emily had gone blind. She had always had a sweet disposition, and welcomed her daughter's killer back with a warm hug. (Not that she knew, of course – Cassidy and Nerissa had both been reported missing by the authorities, and of course the guardians had never had the heart to correct them.)

The first question Emily had asked was, “Is Cassidy with you...?”

“I'm sorry. We were separated, I haven't seen her in forty years.”

The old woman's face crumpled, but she soon composed herself. She flipped open a locket hung securely around her neck, revealing a photograph of Cassidy that felt so fresh, so wonderfully recent, it had Nerissa reeling.

“I keep her with me always, Nerissa. Do you know... what happened to her? Is she dead? I try and hold onto hope, but...”

“I don't know, Emily. Maybe she will come back to you one day.” There was nothing crueller than fuelling people with false hope. But then, that was what she did best.

“You were such close friends growing up. I thought maybe you two were looking out for each other, wherever you were. I hoped, at least, that since you were best friends...”

“Trust me, Emily,” Nerissa said, eyes narrowing as she held the old lady's hand in her own. “You have no idea what she meant to me.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Shrugs. Basically I just really, really wanted to explore Nerissa and Cassidy's dynamic, and what better way than to introduce it with Kadma and Halinor's love story?
> 
> I have a few other kalinor oneshots lined up, but it'll take time to finish them off. In the meantime, here is my crumb of C.H.Y.K.N. femslash.


End file.
